In grad school, I called this “focus” and “drive.” And it definitely helped me accomplish my goal and get my degree amidst a lot of set backs and long days.

Then I transitioned into being a workaholic. It seemed like a safe place to channel my energies. “seemed” being the operative word in that sentence.

These days, I mostly channel it into my lectures and my singing at church. I get super-high student eval marks for enthusiasm, and other profs are telling me that they are “hearing good things” about my courses from students. So, enthusiastic lecturing seems like a good place to channel it.

But I still seem to have a lot of leftover energy, and this week, I fell into the trap of channeling that intensity toward a guy I was interested in. Why was it a trap? Because when it wasn’t reciprocated, it definitely became a problem.

I sigh.

I think that for right now, God can handle my intensity better than any human being that I know. I actually made this decision yesterday, but it was confirmed today. Thus, I really let it go today at church. I sang lead vocals on our opening song with all of that pent up emotion, passion, and intensity that has been bottled up inside of me. He can take it, for sure. That intensity carried over into our other songs pretty well too. I’m not sure how the congregation feels about it exactly, but they clapped a lot and we got some “amen”s. So, I guess they are okay with it.

there was a phrase in a song today that captures some of it “… your spirit is within me….”

Also, the new bible study I’m in is based on Romans Chapter 12 and there is a verse that spoke to me today.

Romans 12:11 (NIV) “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.”

That seems to be what I’m doing: serving the Lord with lots of fervor.
I truly believe it is pleasing to Him when I praise Him in song with passion and intensity, so if it bothers anyone else, well, they can just start attending the earlier traditional service.

- our school (work) Christmas party was Friday. I bought a great new dress at Dress Barn for $40! Accessories cost more than the dress! I’ll wear it for Christmas Eve and get someone to take a photo of me that night and post them on Flickr.

- The party was a lot of fun. I realized just how many people I know at school now! I know a LOT more than last year at this time! I also had an opportunity to talk to some people about music and I may be in a new band/group now as a vocalist. We’ll see how that pans out.

- I went to see the touring production of Beauty and the Beast on Saturday! It was amazing! The vocals were just perfect. The set pieces/staging and design were really intriguing. The costumes were fun and gorgeous. I took my binoculars this time, so we were able to get a really close view of the costumes.

- I haven’t upgraded my camera or purchased any accessories for the 6 years that I’ve had it. Until now. I was thinking about buying the most inexpensive speedlight (flash) that is available. BUT I found out that it is strictly an on/off flash and doesn’t have the ability to do TTL (through the lens) light monitoring. I bit the bullet, splurged, and bought an SB-700 from Nikon. It is an AMAZING flash. I’m still learning how to use it. So my photos are in a bit of a transition state right now. It will be good to have this break to try to learn more about it.

- I used it for the birthday party for my nieces who are now 2 and 5. I also used it for the children’s Christmas program at my church. I never would’ve been able to get the photos I captured at the Christmas program without it.

- speaking of church, I sang a solo yesterday. “Precious Promise” by Steven Curtis Chapman (from his Music of Christmas album). I sang it in my soprano voice instead of my low alto/tenor range, which is always a little trickier for me. But this song called for it, I think. Anyway, the first verse was a bit shaky, but I closed my eyes, tried to think about the message of the song, said a mini “God help me do this!” type of prayer, and the 2nd verse, bridge, and third verse really turned out well. I may try to record it later once I finish grades.

- also with church: I’m on an email list for a daily scripture and interpretation. These last couple of weeks have been really amazing. A few of us have started some email discussions about some of the passages and how they speak to us, or where we struggle with them, and it has been really good for me spiritually. My faith journey and my spiritual growth sort of goes in fits and starts, it seems. This year, I’ve been on a steady rate of growth (and at least have not been flat), but this past month or so has been a bit more accelerated. So, that has been really noteworthy. I’m glad. They are also starting a new bible study at church in January which is finally going to be on a night that would work for me. So, I’m going to try to find out more about it! Yay!

Okay. I guess I’d better start going through this last stack of assignments so that I can finish grades.

In part, singing is my form of prayer. I have known that about myself for some time. In fact, when talking to people about my personal discomfort with praying out loud (with other people around i.e. “leading prayer”), I’ve often said that I’m much more comfortable praying to myself or leading people in prayer (through song) than I am at leading people in verbal, vocal prayers. I’m getting better at praying out loud verbally, but it is not something that comes easily to me.

But back to the part about singing.
So, singing is my form of prayer; we’ve established that. No big surprise there.

But why does singing in the band at church feel SO different than just singing in my car? And why do I NEED to do it? What is it that is so different?

And I was just reading something in a book, and it finally dawned on me what is happening.

When I’m singing in my car, or I’m singing at band practice, I can feel prayerful, BUT there is almost always a part of my brain that is analyzing and critiquing my singing.
“Is that really the best harmony note for that chord?”
“Will we be singing the song in this key so that I can hit that note really strongly? Or will it end up being too high? Too low?”
“Do I need to take a bigger breathe when I’m starting that phrase so that I can support it better?”
“Would this be a song where I ought to play the tambourine?”
“We haven’t done this song in a while, I wonder if we’ll do this one anytime soon.”
“We’ve never done this song at church, I wonder if I ought to bring this up as one we should try?”
“Would this song sound good with just keyboards? or does it really need the full band?”
and on and on.

This is also why the more “routine” a song becomes for me, the more meaning I can get out of it. After hearing a song for several days, weeks, or months, I can shut off my litany of analysis of my singing ability MUCH more easily and really just focus on the words, and the meaning of the song when I’m in the car or practicing. But it is still hard to block out some of those last questions in the list.

And THAT is what makes singing in worship services SO different than singing in my car or in practice. Before the service starts, we always pray that God will work with us and through us and we give it all over to Him; our mistakes, our flubs, our missed notes or missed entrances, ANYthing just becomes peripheral.

During worship, I stop analyzing. I stop thinking.

I’m IN the moment.

I’m focusing on the words and the meaning.
And I’m praying, praising, and literally
singing my heart out
to God and for God.

In that moment, I feel so close to Him.
And it rejuvenates my spirit.

And THAT is why I sing at church and why I NEED to sing at church; to be close to God.

I’m so grateful to the church and the band for allowing me to have that opportunity. I pray that I can grow to feel that close to God ALL of the time when I sing – when I’m in the car, or my apartment, or at practice, or wherever.
But for now, it is good to be able to have this insight into myself and to be able to finally put it into words so that you can understand this side of me too.

Today is my birthday! AND it falls on a Saturday this year! AND, even better, it is the first weekend of Spring Break!!!!

You know what that means?

hmmm?

Well, I’m going to tell you, of course.

I am not going to work this entiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire weekend!

AND, throughout the week, I’m going to take time to do some fun activities.

You can’t tell that I’m excited, can you?

Right now, I’m at Texas Seestor and Trainwreck’s place. I arrived yesterday at 5 pm just when Trainwreck brought the girl’s home from daycare – or PRE-K as my oldest niece exuberantly tells us. We played/I lounged while she played until about 6 pm. It was a great way to start the weekend. About partway through, the youngest finished her supper and bath and came up to play too. She is such a funny thing. She is at that stage where she loves putting things together and taking them apart and making them fit. Over and over again. Who knew that putting a plunger into the barrel of a syringe (all child-toys and not a real one) would be so fascinating?

We watched a lot of the coverage last night on the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. How very awful and sad. My heart goes out to all of them.

I’ve been up for about an hour and I’ve eaten a small amount of cheerios or “pre-breakfast” to tide me over until we go out to breakfast. I think that we are going to go to one of my favorite places where I can get really good biscuits, sausage, and really good shredded, fried potatoes. I LOVE the shredded hash browns and biscuits at this particular place. Of course, if we don’t end up going there, the other 2 places we tend to go out for breakfast are also really awesome.

Other plans involve going out to supper tonight and having cake and ice cream at some point.
Then tomorrow, Texas Seestor got tickets for she, Trainwreck and I to go see a vocal performance (a Pops). I’ve been trying to find some sort of performance to go to in the upcoming months as a treat to myself, and voila! She surprised me with this! How perfect! Mom and Dad will watch the girls so that we can go out.

This week, Mom, Dad and I hope to go to the zoo. There is one in the area to which I’ve not yet been, and I’m really excited to go.
We are also talking about taking a trip out to another town that has artsy-craftsy type stores to spend part of a day.

I’ll have to be really efficient with getting my work done on all of the other days where we don’t have activities. But I should be able to do that. I’ve got incentive, because if I can get my stuff done, then I can take the entiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire weekend off next weekend too!

Don’t get me wrong. I really do love my work. But I’ve been working really long hours, and I’ve sacrificed a lot of “relaxing time” by having this type of job (and by wanting to do it to the best of my ability). And I’m just a tad burnt out right now.

hmm….

I think my older niece is up. I’d better go. The fun begins!

I’m not into Facebook and Twitter. This is my outlet for talking to friends and family instead. I always put my blog address on my Christmas cards just in case someone wants to pop by and hear the latest.

I started blogging on New Year’s Eve in 2004, so I usually think of starting on Jan 1, 2005, because I forget it was officially Dec 31st. I started by back-posting some of my cycling stories that I’d sent as letters to family and friends. My intro post on Dec 31st is one of the few times I made a point of posting my cropped face from the front. That was back when I wore my black-rimmed glasses.

Over the 4 years, I’ve written 564 posts and had 3,294 comments.

I’ve made friends who I never would’ve expected to find. Some of them still blog: – in no particular order -

Squirl
Amber – Ladymadaysia
Ern
Kalki
Honestyrain – honesty-rain not honey-strain.
Poopie

One friend got into blogging more recently that I knew in “real-life” before reconnecting with her via blogging. I met her when I was in graduate school.

Jenski

Others have fallen by the wayside and were blogging ferociously, and then decided to quit blogging. Most of them felt they didn’t have time for it anymore. Some of them still have their blogs up on the internet though.

Ladybug
Closetmetro
Sheryl – Waveofmodulation
Momo
Amanda B.

And others read regularly, but don’t have blogs

TexasSeestor
Mom and Dad
SeaQueen
my mother-in-law reads occasionally
Denise?

BTW: HB fits into a special category – i.e. reads, doesn’t comment, but has a blog that says his name, so I never link to his blog.

I hope I haven’t forgotten anyone!

Anyway, thanks to all of you who come by regularly and still connect with me in this unique way.

I’m glad we are friends (and family – as the case may be).

I like that the words “camera” and “photos” are big. I don’t think that the size of the word is based on frequency in your blog or anything like that, but it is still cool.

32. In the meantime, I’m wondering if I could convince HB to take a trip “up north”. This means northern Minnesota.

33. I’d like to go to Europe. I’m not sure if England comes first, then Ireland & Scotland and where France and Italy fit in. But someday, I’d like to go to some of those places.

34. In movies, Venice and Tuscany look really appealing.

35. I just got my passport – about a month ago.

36. I used to want to go on a hot air balloon ride – now, I’m too afraid of heights.

37. I get weirded out when I’m in really deep ocean water. I start imagining all of the stuff that is below me. Hence, boat trips are a bit unnerving for me.

38. I’m a bit of a nervous flyer too – but I can usually manage okay.

39. One of my worries with going to developing countries is either catching some weird disease or having a medical issue while there and not being able to be treated. However, I’ve heard stories from friends of how amazing their trips were – and it makes me curious. Almost curious enough to overcome my worries about disease.

40. I’ve never traveled through the western U.S. – Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore, Pike’s Peak, etc. But I would like to do that too someday. That is probably a more realistic goal than a foreign country. HB and I have talked about doing that, but we’ve yet to get serious about making any plans.

“Rose Petal Dolls?”, you may ask? Yes, they were my favorites of all of my dolls.

Here is the story of the Rose Petal Dolls.

I kept them in their boxes, to keep them safe. Mainly, so that nothing would get lost. But also because I loved the story on the back of the box. I see that they were $6.92 from Target.

22. I also played with Strawberry Shortcake.

She and her friend, Cafe Ole, loved to go for rides on the butterfly and on the horse and carriage.

23. I sewed a lot of clothes for my dolls. I was particularly thrilled to find that I’d made a couple of outfits each for my Rose Petal dolls and that they were still in their boxes with them.

Note: Rose Petal (the pink one) had a matching skirt, but her top is lost.

and in large

Can you see the 80′s influence on the clothes? Lily Fair is wearing harem pants and a shirt with those rucked (?) sleeves. Also, the big bow on the “sweater dress” were big too, if I remember correctly. I think the ruffles were in style too, especially in fancier dresses.

24. When we lived in southern Indiana at the ‘tip of the boot’ as I like to say, my best friend, Amber, was a couple of years older than me. We spent a lot of time swimming in their above-ground pool, making up dance routines and gymnastics, singing songs, playing games – 4-square and hide-and-go seek, riding bikes and rollerskating.

25. We moved from southern Indiana to just west of Indianapolis the summer between my 4th and 5th grade years. I was terribly sad to leave my friends, but I made a fantastic new friend, Denise.

26. Denise was with me during my pre-teen and early teen years. We (again) made up routines – especially baton-twirling and dancing combined. I particularly remember a routine to the Top Gun theme song.

We explored the woods. Rode our bikes down the road to the bridge and through the trails in the woods in our neighborhood.

We also played on the rope swing at my house and the rope in her backyard. We’d climb this ladder to the very top – past the step that you weren’t supposed to go above – and jump off, while holding the rope. She had older brothers, so her parents were particularly calm about our doing things that I had previously considered too scary or dangerous. I became a little more daring with Denise.

27. I don’t keep in contact with Denise anymore, but I still think of her. She was the maid of honor at HB’s and my wedding. She knew how to keep me calm that day.

I DO talk to her mom sometimes, who is also a friend of mine.

28. We moved to southern Indiana outside of Louisville between my 9th and 10th grade years in high school. Again, I was terribly sad to leave, but slowly, I made some friends at school.

29. I only attended that school in southern Indiana for one year, and then I went away to a public school for accelerated learning my junior and senior years where I made a lot of friends. It was at this school that at the beginning of my senior year, I became good friends with HB. We started dating after Thanksgiving my senior year.

If my family hadn’t moved and decreased my attachment to my friends, I might not have gone to that school. So, it all worked out very well in the end.

30. My feelings about that school are very complicated, since it was incredibly difficult academically and I think I was depressed for part of my senior year and didn’t know it. Also, I made some life long friends – particularly HB – there, so I can’t help but be ever so thankful and glad that I went. Finally, as difficult as the classes were, they really prepared me for college. My first year of college was much easier, as a result and helped keep me in science.

Final note: It was at that school, my junior and senior years, that I got the nickname Danie. But only people from that school call me that. It helps keep that nickname special to me.

11. For movies, I love romantic comedies. I’m also really big into period/historical movies. If a movie has something historical and is a romantic comedy at the same time, it tends to be one of my favorite movies. One example would be Kate and Leopold with Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman. I also like some fantasy movies like The Chronicles of Narnia.

12. For TV, I like shows that last one hour. I’m not a big fan of half-hour shows – which usually rules out most sitcoms. I like dramas – Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman was one of my favorites (of course, it was historical) I also liked the West Wing (at the beginning), JAG, and NCIS.

13. I am a huge fan of reality talent shows. I loved So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With the Stars, American Idol and Grease You Are The One That I Want.

14. I’m also a fan of Survivor and Survivorman. I like Survivor for the plotting and personal dynamics that go on. When Survivor started, I swore I wouldn’t watch it because it sounded stupid. Then HB was out of town one night, I turned it on and got completely hooked. I like Survivorman for the pure survival skills he has to display in arctic, jungle, swamp, or other inhospitable places.

15. I read romance and historical fiction. – mostly historical romance. I’ve recently found an author who writes historical mysteries that I really like (Fiona Buckley in the Ursula Blanchard series). I like some contemporary romance – like Nora Roberts.

16. I don’t read intellectual books or books that are on booklists. I have found them to be too depressing. This is why I’m not in a bookclub. Maybe someday I’ll find one that reads the kinds of books that I like.

17. Reading is probably my favorite thing to do. That and eat really good food. Most weekends find me on the couch reading a book. That is one of the things I missed doing when I was in college. There was just no time to read ‘fun’ books. I usually devoured books during Christmas, Spring break, and summer vacation.

18. I get choked up/really moved by Praise Music/Contemporary Christian music. I tend to only listen to it on Sundays on my way too and from church, because it makes me too emotional.

19. When I was growing up, I hated country music with a passion. Now that I’m older, I like certain artist. Especially cross-over artists like Martina McBride, the Dixie Chicks, Sugarland. (or is Sugarland pure country?)

20. My favorite musical group is the Corrs. They aren’t very well known. But I love them. They are best known for their song Breathless. They are a family group (3 sisters, 1 brother) out of Ireland.

1. I hate spiders inside the house. When I was little, I had my Dad or Mom kill any spiders I would find. Now, if the spider is large, i.e. bigger than a dime, or if it is particularly hairy, I ask HB to kill it. If it is smaller and thinner, I’ll do it myself. I hate that crunch sound. And I always try to use a big wad of tissue/napkin/toilet paper, because I hate the feeling of it under my fingers. bleck.

2. Once, when I was a pre-teen, I took off my glasses and got into the shower. I saw this glop of hair that was about the size of a silver dollar on the side of the shower and thought “Gross, Texas Seestor left a glop of hair in the shower.” And I started showering. After a while, I realized that the glop of hair had moved and that it was actually one of the largest spiders I’d ever seen. Definitely bigger than a dime, and definitely hairy.

Evidently my scream for Dad had a certain ring to it that let them all know I had encountered a spider.

Bleck.

3. I am not a big fan of people writing their own marriage vows either. So many times, it seems like they aren’t really vowing to do anything. They are just talking about what the love about the other person.

4. I’m not very ticklish.

5. I actually like most war movies, but the kind of movies that I absolutely will not watch are psychological thrillers. When trailers come on TV for psycho thrillers, I usually look away, shut my eyes, ignore it as best as possible.

6. I’m tired of seeing that preview for the Nicole Kidman thriller.

7. One of my pet peeves is when a road, like an interstate, is narrowing and while almost everyone is merging within a reasonable amount of space, there will be some idiot driver who insists on racing up to the very last bit of road and pushing their way in. I’ve been known to block cars from doing that. Particularly when I lived in Boston.

8. I used to hate cleaning the litter box so much, and Girlie-Girl was so blase about the litter box, that we’d change the litter out (the whole thing) once a week. As she has gotten older, she will not tolerate it unless it is scooped every day with a fresh layer on top each day too. She actually has 2 litter boxes.

9. I’ve discovered some new chocolates by Dove that I really like. One is their 63% cacao. And the other is their dark chocolate from various countries. One bag has squares that are labeled with the country where the beans are from. The chocolate really does taste different depending on the country. Note: these chocolates are not listed on the Dove website. So, I wonder if these are test market items. Maybe I should go buy some extras.

10. I drink All Day Breakfast tea all but one or two days out of a month. On my off days, I’ll drink Blackberry Sage or Passion Fruit Papaya.