Feeling blah
So, I’ve been feeling really tired this week and kind of sad and blue and just generally unmotivated. I think it is a combination of being burnt out from pushing and pushing and pushing so hard for so long and my usual winter blues. I have suspected for a number of years that I have seasonal affective disorder (SAD), because I get tired and depressed in winter, and usually my migraines get worse too. I have never gone to a doctor for it though, but that is more because
A) I’ve only really recognized the pattern within the past few years.
B) Within the past few years, making it to the doctor became extremely difficult with timed experiments that must be done on certain days and certain hours and planned 4 weeks in advance.
I’ve kind of put a lot of stuff on the back-burner while I was doing my graduate research that I am now attempting to move to the front-burner.
Like what? Well, getting my hair cut, going to the doctor, dermatologist, dentist, eye doctor, OB/Gyn, all those things kind of got shoved aside the crazier things got. I had appointments (that I’d have to make 2 months in advance, of course) and that would then have to be cancelled a couple weeks prior to the actual date when I realized that I’d be doing an experiment on those days that couldn’t be done on a different day. I specifically tried to take weekends off, so I really loathed the idea of moving experiments to weekends in order to do something like go to the doctor on a precious weekday. And while I could get my hair cut on weekends, most doctors don’t work on weekends, as I’m sure you are well aware.
The other thing that got pushed aside was exercising. I don’t know if I’ve said, but when we went to buy a house in MA, the prices were so astronomical compared to what we had been able to live in for apartments, that I made the concession that I would commute farther every day in order to have the house we both wanted (and that would allow us to have a nicer home in the long run – like here in MN). But that meant that I was taking 3 hours total out of everyday just to get to and from work. It was quite a lot of commuting, but I figure everything is all a trade off, so I was willing to do it. But what that meant was that I pretty much got home, ate supper, and had an hour or so before I went to bed. And since I’m not a huge fan of exercising anyway, I wasn’t going to exercise on a full stomach right after eating supper during my one free hour. So I pretty much pushed the thought of exercising out the window until I was done with grad school and I was commuting a shorter distance. And I just walked fast to and from the train station everyday (20 minutes total a day) to try to make up for it.
Of course, as anyone who has ever read anything about SAD or depression knows, exercising helps keep the symptoms down. But it is quite the catch 22, because the worse I feel, the harder it is to get myself to go exercise, but of course, exercising helps keep the blah feelings at a minimum.
So, this week, I started going for exercise walks. It was sunny most days, which helped me want to go outside and walk. And while it felt like a chore at first, it became enjoyable to be out and walking. Monday evening, my muscles were sore, which told me just how far out of shape I’d gotten now that I haven’t been walking my 20 minutes a day to and from the train station, and that helped motivate me to get in better shape. Tuesday, I was anxious to go out even though it was overcast and blustering. Once I was out, I felt a bit stronger and able to walk faster than I had the day before. I felt like my muscles were starting to get accustomed to this exercising deal, and I felt happy and rejuvenated being out. Wednesday was sunny again and I was also looking forward to my walk, but I still had to push myself over my inertia to get my clothes changed and get going. I managed to walk even faster and harder, which felt like an accomplishment and made me happy once I was out there. Thursday I had to drag myself up to get my clothes on by telling myself that if I still felt bad 10 minutes into it, I’d come home. But once I got going, I felt great and energized and stayed out for the full 45 minutes; although the blister on my toe was getting a bit worse and I was reminded by a pain in my arch that I really need to remember to wear my arch supports, next time. Yesterday, well, I just couldn’t drag myself to go. And now I wish I had.
I just feel so frickin TIRED. Like I could sleep for years.
I’d also rather be curled up with a book than working on anything school related. And this is the big flashing sign that I’m burnt out. I look at my data and just think “UGH, do I Have to deal with this still? Can’t it just be Over Already?” And because it will be over soon, I tell myself that I just have to go just a little bit longer “blah-blah-blah- talk to the hand”, is what all of that feels like, because well, I just want to be done and even one more day feels like too long. *sigh* And then I cheer myself on, etc. etc. and tell myself that if I work until lunch, I can read my book at lunch. Then if I work until 3:00, I’ll get a nice break for my walk. And then if I work until supper, I can stop for the day.
And this strategy mostly worked. But I’m still tired and blah.
And I don’t say all of this because I need or want cheering on or because I want a pep talk, I just needed to talk about it. I wanted to tell you how very unmotivated and tired I feel and I wanted to talk about the exercising issue, because I’m hoping that by bringing it up, I’ll be motivated to stick with it. And this also reminds me that we’ve got to get our bicycle trainer out so that on days when I can’t go walking outside, I I don’t have an excuse to not exercise.
And now, I think I need to go dig out my tights and go for a walk.
sheryl says:
Danielle,
kudos to you for getting out there and walking, and for recognizing that you need to care for yourself in ways that fall by the wayside while you’re super busy. I’ve spent the last few months trying to get myself back on track as well, with so many things that fell by the wayside.
M gets down every winter, takes a nap after work and then goes to bed by 9 or so. That is one reason we have decided to move to California sometime this year. When it’s brighter and sunnier, it is just easier to be active. And he is the type of guy who WILL NOT work out if there is not some kind of fun activity involved like riding bikes along the beach, playing rugby or football or playing with a dog or kid outside.
I personally need a lot of time to myself, and I crave time outside. When I am in good physical shape, I will actually get cranky if I can’t go outside and exercise.
I have a suggestion – something I do and keeps me motivated to go outside…I belong to audible.com’s club. I download 2 or more audio books per month. Audio books are great. I burn them to CD and give the great ones a re-listen every once in a while.
Sometimes I talk into my audio recorder too (for my writing project) but this can be cumbersome with the camera, my litter bag and my mp3 player.
Two times a week, I’ll go for a really long walk (usually 2-4 hours). I let myself listen to a few chapters of the book and then music, let myself take pictures for part of the time (and I pick up litter) then I throw out the litter bag and stop taking pictures and just walk fast for an hour.)
It’s very cleansing.
Someday I would love to live near the beach, and have a dog, and just go and go and go.
Squirl says:
I know about that inertia thing. I’ve had trouble with plantar fasciitis. First the right foot, then after a few years it healed then the left one got it. Since I’ve been going to the chiropractic hte left one is pretty much healed. Now I just don’t have the energy to get going again. Going up a lot of stairs makes me winded.
I keep thinking I need to walk or do an aerobics tape or something but just thinking about doing seems to tire me. The best time for me to work out to a tape is first thing in the morning, but the thought of putting on workout clothes at 5 am really sucks.
I don’t know how any of this information helps you but I guess I felt like talking about my excercise inertia.
Seems like the daylight might help your SAD a bit, too. Good luck with it all.
poopie says:
I’m glad to hear that it’s Danielle time now!! Those flowers ( and of course girly girl ) are gorgeous.
Danielle says:
I’ve emailed Sheryl my response already, so now I’ll say
Thanks for the compliment on the photos Poopie.
Squirl, I had no idea you were plagued with inertia too.
I can imagine how having problems with your feet would make it ten times harder to get yourself to go do something too, since almost everything except maybe swimming? would put pressure on your feet.
I find it impossible to exercise first thing in the morning. When I was in high school/college I was a morning person… but I have slowly lost that ability to bounce out of bed all ready to go. Within the past 10 years, when I’ve tried exercising first thing, I just ended up turning off my alarm and sleeping instead. My best time is really just before supper. But that means I gotta make a concerted effort to get home at a reasonable hour.
I’m going to try to make this be the year where I make a change for the better.
kalki says:
I ‘ve always thought that I suffer from SAD, too, at least mildly. When I started my jogging routine last year, I noticed an even larger improvement in my mind than in my body. I had no idea that running (or exercising in general) could be so therapeutic!
Good for you, taking steps (literally) to ward off the BLAH.
Momo says:
Good for you! It crazy how we can put everything ahead of our own health and well being, I’m glad to see you make time for you.
About the exercising, maybe we can keep a check on one another. We were doing so good for a few weeks then we just sort of weren’t. Now we are trying to get back on track! I had my Lifeforce appointment the other day, and things didn’t go well. I had gained lbs and inches, so I’m now on probation. I’ve got 5 months to turn things around. I know I can do it, I’ve just got to be consistent. So if you want to, we could check up on each other…one a week ? Just an idea, let me know.
Alex says:
okay, now i don’t feel like i am the only one who cancelled SO MANY doctor’s appointments because of lab responsibilities. i can relate 100% to the putting yourself on the backburner in that aspect.
as soon as i read the first few sentences of your winter/ sad paragraph, i thought- exercise– and then you went on to discuss that . honestly, grey weather, shorter days, weather in general, all contribute to my migraines and state of mind. i feel that i am a very sensitive person to light and weather and seasons. the one thing that has always been a constant in my life and that helps me IMMENSELY is exercise. i have been running for years and years and i am not myself if i don’t get some form of activity daily. i know that it is hard to start– the hardest step is the first one– but if you make a routine out of it, and schedule it at the same time each day, it might soon become habit (and will make you feel so much better!).
taking care of yourself should be priority number one. how often do we let other parts of our lives take over and stress us out? last decemeber i went to the emergency room with the worst migraine of my life. it was a week plus saga, and i’ll spare the details (although a spinal tap was involved- not fun). anyway, i took a step back and realized that i needed to slow down, breathe and take time for myself, or i would end up wearing myself down to the point of serious ilness, or just plain miss out on the good stuff.
LadyBug says:
I can relate to so much of this…putting yourself on the back burner (but not for experiments, of course. in my case, it’s the kids who get priority), feeling blah and unmotivated, and just needing to write (type) it all down and get it all out. I hope posting about it has helped.
Love and hugs to you, dear.